Healing Shame in Couples – A workshop for therapists and other helping professionals
with Sheila Rubin, LMFT, RDT/BCT & Bret Lyon, PhD, SEP, BCC

Saturday, April 29, 10:00am – 6:00pm & Sunday, April 30, 10:30am – 5:00pm
In Berkeley, just off I-80

$325 ($295 with full payment by March 24)
Special rate for interns.
Partners welcome! Contact us to find out about couples discount.

13 CEUs for MFTs & LCSWs
CAMFT Approved CE Provider #134393

The more we care about each other, the more vulnerable we are to shame. Intentionally or unintentionally, we poke each other in the tender spots. Couples can shame each other multiple times a day, often without realizing what is happening. This can become a highly reactive cycle, preventing both people from getting their basic safety and attachment needs met. And shame can distort how we hear each other; the received message may have little to do with the message the partner is attempting to send.

In this workshop we will explore the blame/shame game couples can fall into and learn how to help them stop shaming each other and work together to create a secure base and heal the wounds of the past.

We will:
– Look at some of the many subtle ways shame can be triggered.
– Explore shaming moments with great care so we can teach our clients how to avoid shame-based reactivity.
– Learn the gentle art of counter-shaming and how to help a partner with his or her feelings of inadequacy.
– Help a person give back shame to the original source with their partner’s full support.

If we can free the energy that has been stuck in blame and shame, couples can increase their vitality, joy and intimacy.

TO REGISTER, please send full payment or a $100 deposit to:
Bret Lyon
830 Bancroft Way, Suite 102, Berkeley, CA 94710
Please include your email and phone number.
We accept PayPal. For details, email Bret at Bret@HealingShame.com.
Space is limited.

For more information, call Sheila at 415-820-3974 or email Sheila@HealingShame.com.

You can also check out articles and two free 1 1/2-hour Healing Shame webinars on the Resources page of our website.

www.HealingShame.com

HEALING SHAME: A Workshop for Therapists and Other Helping Professionals
With Sheila Rubin LMFT, RDT/BCT, Drama Therapist & Bret Lyon PhD, SEP, BCC

Saturday, January 28, 10am-6pm & Sunday, January 29, 10:30am-5:30pm

In Berkeley, just off the I-80

$325 full price / $295 with full payment by December 23
Special price for interns
13 CEUs for MFTs and LCSWs (PCE #4456)

This workshop provides essential, basic knowledge of how to work with shame. You will learn what shame is and how it is created, and how to help your clients recognize shame, work through it and move on. We will discuss how to become more sensitive to the shaming often implicit in the therapy situation and how to counter shame in therapy. You will learn to help clients separate feelings of shame from other emotions. And you’ll learn how to take clients back to early shaming situations and reverse the outcome, helping clients move their energy powerfully outward rather than turn it against themselves.

TO REGISTER, please send full payment or a $100 deposit to:
Sheila Rubin
830 Bancroft Way, Suite 102, Berkeley, CA 94710

Please include your email and phone number.
We accept PayPal. For details, email Bret at Bret@HealingShame.com.
Space is limited.

For more information, call Sheila at 510-420-1441 or email Sheila@HealingShame.com.

You can also check out two free 1 1/2-hour Healing Shame webinars available on the Resources page.

www.HealingShame.com

by Sheila Rubin, LMFT, RDT/BCT

How do you deal with profound disappointment? With things not going the way you wanted—or expected?

How do you deal with disruption/change/shock/disorientation/feeling like the bottom just fell out and you don’t know which end is up? Several clients have spoken lately of feeling confounded: “…Like being in the middle of deep water, so I can’t touch down anywhere, and I don’t know which way land is. There’s nothing to hold onto. I’m disoriented and don’t know what to do—but I can’t stay where I am and have to do something.”

We are living in interesting times. Recently we had an election that is likely to be affecting all of us in a big way. Some people are hopeful. Some are feeling profoundly shocked or disappointed. Some are struggling with friends and family who don’t share their perspective; they feel angry and are wondering how to deal with it.

One client speaks about her family members as dancing on the edge of a progressive pin, trying to figure out who to blame when there is no right action. Some teens and adults are marching to protest and stand up for dignity, showing their feelings, opinions. How could that go against family values? But sometimes it does. How can we have a deeper discussion beyond politics and into real issues? On several therapy listservs there are therapists asking each other how to support their clients who are suddenly dealing with an increase in hate, oppression, violence in their school or community—somehow it is in fashion to put down people who are different. Even in California, bullying has increased in some schools. I read in the paper that Gavin Newsom declared Bay Area schools to be bully-free zones with zero tolerance for bullying, whatever the reason.

I tell my clients about the paradox: If we see the others as haters, and we “hate the haters,” don’t we become haters too? In this paradox there may be no familiar or right answer. But if we hate the others we all become enemies.

After the election, clients came in in different stages of frozenness or shock. And my work with them was to help them find their way forward or find their way to acknowledging the shame of feeling less than and thinking that something was going to happen that didn’t happen.

When we don’t get what we want, there can be grief. Familiar stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

We may also respond with any or all of the four responses to shame:

  1. Attack Self
    For example: Shaming yourself for not making sure your friends went to vote or not knowing how to take helpful action yet.
  2. Attack Others
    Find the bad guy. When we blame or shame others, there is such a possibility of derision and a breaking down of family or community. This is where bullying and aggressiveness comes from.
  3. Denial
    “It doesn’t matter anyway.”
  4. Withdraw
    Some people just want to withdraw and not be political, not be part of the conversation, not be part of what’s going on. That is a common reaction to shame.

How do you hold yourself when you’re going through emotional turmoil? How do you not just survive but make it a meaningful experience?

There is the possibility of honoring grief, honoring what is lost, by finding a way, through creative expression, to build something to remember what has been lost. Rather than using anger to harm ourselves or try to destroy the other person or idea, we find a way to deal with our grief or shame that can go into a poem or song or work of art. Then there’s the possibility of hope.

The Jungian archetype of the shadow is being unleashed in these times of turmoil. This is the part of the psyche that is usually hidden or repressed, or denied. It’s like the tarot card of The Tower, where everything is turned upside down.

This is a time of shadow when maybe we don’t know darkness from light, right from wrong. Our careful job is to find our way through. Shame and the shadow? Shame is the shadow, the parts of ourselves we want no one to see. Shadow often gets projected onto others in order to try to ignore it or not deal with it.

My students and clients reminded me that the election results fell on the anniversary of Krystallnacht, “Crystal Night”—also referred to as “Night of Broken Glass”—on November 9 & 10 in 1938, when the Nazis started going after the Jews, torching homes, burning synagogues and killing close to 100 people. Before anyone in the world could even imagine what would happen. It was the beginning of something profoundly dark. Some of my clients, whose ancestors went through that, are reliving the terror of that time as they fear for their families now.  After I listen with great care, I’m reminding them that there is a difference this time. The difference is that our eyes are open now. And we can make a difference.

What can we do? We can put love first, put family first.

And we can use the idea of healthy shame to help us get through, take us to a place of seeing the big picture. What can we do differently to express our views more clearly? Maybe, at some point, have more humor about the situation. (But maybe not yet!) If we see someone being bullied or attacked, can we say something and not turn away? When we see someone hurting can we show up? Can we have compassion? Compassion is counter-shaming, it is connecting. Compassion is love in action. The best part of compassion is being able to love ourselves and talk kindly to ourselves and others whom we maybe don’t understand. If we can do that, can we extend that compassion to a relative who is different? Can we still love them? I hope so!

One way to move beyond these reactions to shame is to work with what is coming up with through creativity—which could take the form of a poem, a creative gesture… Ultimately it’s about choosing a creative action rather than a destructive action.

On the day after the election, when many of us were in shock, my neighbor asked me how I was doing and if I wanted to hear something hopeful. Then he played me something his granddaughter had posted on YouTube. She was saying, “Well, if you’re down, you just pick yourself up, and then you try it again and you get stronger.” It was inspiring to hear the strength in her young voice!

Wishing all of us some light to see in the darkness.

This article originally appeared on www.SheilaRubin.com.

© 2016 Sheila Rubin
www.SheilaRubin.com

You are invited to a FREE Performance Night!

Embodied Life Story Workshop Performancehttp://usabp.org/embodied-life-story-performance/
Directed by Sheila Rubin, LMFT, RDT/BCT

Thursday, December 8, 7pm

Location:

Sheila Rubin’s Berkeley Studio
830 Bancroft Way, Suite 102, Berkeley, CA 94710

What is the story that is trying to live through you?

It is a sacred act to tell a life story. It is a sacred act to witness one.

These solo performances are filled with heart and passion and the depth of personal story. Group members take part in a 10-week journey of improvisation, embodied storytelling, writing, drama therapy and the seven levels of sacred witnessing, and then take the next step in being witnessed by a heart-centered audience.

Solo performances are 10-20 minutes each with witnessing from the audience.

Attending an Embodied Life Story performance is a great way to experience this powerful work in case you might be interested in attending a future workshop.

Bring your heart! Performance is free.

For more information, call Sheila at 415-820-3974 or visit www.SheilaRubin.com

 

Through the Looking Glass: Using Imaginal Resources to Heal Shame –
A Workshop for Therapists and Other Helping Professionals
with Sheila Rubin, LMFT, RDT/BCT and Bret Lyon, PhD, SEP, BCC

Saturday, November 5, 10am–6pm & Sunday, November 6, 10:30am–5:30pm

$295 ($275 with full payment by September 23)
Special rate for interns.

In Berkeley, just off the I-80

13 CEUs for MFTs and LCSWs (PCE #4456)

When clients get stuck in shame, the most powerful way to help them get unstuck may be to activate their imagination. In the Imaginal Realm, logic and time are fluid and flexible. What actually happened can be explored and changed. What was stuck in the cognitive realm can be reexamined and shifted. Shaming situations from the past can be revisited and resolved. In this workshop, we will utilize techniques from Drama Therapy, Focusing, Expressive Arts Therapy, Jungian creative imagination and Hakomi. We will explore the critical voices and/or the childhood scenes that are still driving the internal shame dynamic in the client. Once the shame is worked through in the Imaginal Realm the client can interact with the world differently.

To register for the workshop:
Please send full payment or a $100 deposit (including email and phone number) to:
Bret Lyon – 830 Bancroft Way, Suite 102, Berkeley, CA 94710

We also accept PayPal.

For more information, email Bret at bret@healingshame.com, call 510-420-1441, or visit www.HealingShame.com.

HEALING SHAME: The Core Workshop
for Therapists and Other Helping Professionals

with Sheila Rubin LMFT, RDT/BCT & Bret Lyon PhD, SEP, BCC

Saturday, October 1, 10am-6pm & Sunday, October 2, 10:30am-5:30pm

In Berkeley, just off the I-80

$295 full price / $275 with full payment by August 19
Special price for interns

13 CEUs for MFTs and LCSWs (PCE #4456)

This workshop provides essential, basic knowledge of how to work with shame.  We will learn what shame is and how it is created, and how to help our clients recognize shame, work through it and move on. We will become more sensitive to the shaming often implicit in the therapy situation and learn how to counter shame in therapy. We will be able to help clients separate feelings of shame from other emotions. And we’ll learn how to take clients back to early shaming situations and reverse the outcome, helping clients move their energy powerfully outward rather than turn it against themselves.

TO REGISTER, please send full payment or a $100 deposit to:
Bret Lyon
830 Bancroft Way, Suite 102
Berkeley, CA 94710
Please include your email and phone number.
We accept PayPal. For details, email Bret at Bret@HealingShame.com.

Space is limited.

For more information, call Bret at 510-420-1441 or email Bret@HealingShame.com.

www.HealingShame.com


with Sheila Rubin, LMFT, RDT/BCT

Experience the playful, present moment while exploring the threads that weave your daily experiences with myth, family history, dreams and universal themes. Your deeper Life Story will emerge through this process and feed you at a soul level.

This is an invitation to take a 10-week journey that supports and unfolds your creative process through a unique blend of improvisation, embodied storytelling, writing, drama therapy and the seven levels of sacred witnessing.

We start with safe, gentle exercises. Shy people are encouraged. All levels welcome!
Performance on the last night.

Thursdays: September 22–December 8, 2016, 5:00-7:00pm
Performance: Thursday, December 8, 7:00pm
(No class on 10/27 or 11/24.)

Location: Sheila’s studio (in the Rudramandir Center)
830 Bancroft Way, Suite 102, Berkeley, CA 94710

Cost: $550 / $50 off for students, teachers or seniors over 60
$100 off with full payment by August 31
(Note: There may be an additional cost for DVD of performance.)

24 CEUs available (PCE #4456)

To Register: Call Sheila Rubin at 415-820-3974

For checks, send payment to Sheila Rubin at:
830 Bancroft Way, Suite 102, Berkeley, CA 94710

To pay by PayPal/credit card, go to the Calendar page at www.SheilaRubin.com, click on the event, and use the Registration link.

www.SheilaRubin.com

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